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Week 1 - Arizona Cardinals (0-0) @ Philadelphia Eagles (0-0) -3

Once again, the scheduling computer elects to utterly bone us by starting our season on the road against a pre-season Superbowl favourite.

Thanks a frigging bunch, you silicon tosspot.

It's a case of plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose in Philadelphia. While some of the names are different, they've still got Donovan McNabb, he's still got the Butterfingers University Class Of 2004 to pass to, there's still a good offensive line but still only okay-I-suppose running-backs there to take advantage of it. On the other side of the ball, there's still an outstanding secondary, still an excellent defensive line and still a pretty-good linebacker corps, albeit one that's lacking first-round draft pick Tre Stephens, done for the year with an ACL tear.

On the whole, probably a good thing I didn't trade up for him, then. Bwa-ha!

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Where is every bugger? The stadium can't even be half-full. Bizarre. I mean, I know the Eagles missed the playoffs last year, but they were only 8-8, for pity's sake! It's not like we're opening the season against bloody San Diego or anything...

Those few Philly fans who've bothered to drag themselves away from their cheesesteaks are pretty soon wishing they hadn't bothered. On their second possession of the day, McNabb drops three steps, makes a quick read and fires a picture-perfect pass straight to Jed Bowden.

Hands up who can spot the deliberate mistake?

It's Shipp who does most of the donkey-work, having success against the Eagles' quick but slightly lightweight front 4, but it's Bryant Johnson (who else?) who grabs our first touchdown of the 2005 season as he makes up for Jeff Blake's off-target pass with a brilliant diving catch.

It gets worse before it gets better, too. A short punt and a great return by ex-Eagle Brian Westbrook sees us set up at the Philly 32. They haven't shown any interest in stopping the run, so we show no interest in stopping running. The drive's just four plays, the last seeing Shipp carrying a couple of Philadelphia defenders into the endzone to stretch our lead to 14.

It gets even worse before it gets better, too. Donovan McNabb feels the pocket collapsing and gets the ball out of there - looking for rookie receiver Craig Smith but finding Feathery-Thing debutante Shawn Springs. Another short field, another opportunity for Marcel Shipp to chant "Fee, fi, fo, facker - I smell the blood of a reserve linebacker!" and stomp toward the endzone. He's hit three yards shy, but half-spins and keeps driving, eventually crossing the goal-line going backwards. As you do.

Sweet Zombie Jesus! Who saw this coming? End of the 1st quarter, ARI 21-0 PHI

The second quarter is calmer, but with four minutes left in the half a good punt-return sees us set at the Eagle 32. The line open a super-sized running lane and Shipp bursts through to the tune of 24 yards. Johnno gets us down to the 1, and from there it's a Jeff Blake sneak to give us clear water. Criminy!

Ah, last-two-minutes-of-the-half - my old nemesis, you return to taunt me once again. McNabb finally does something right, completing a long bomb to Todd Pinkston over Jed Bowden, 41 yards and Philadelphia are still just about hanging on to our coat-tails as we return to the lockerroom at the end of the half - ARI 28-7 PHI

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It's been an odd half - the Philly offence really hasn't looked too bad in fits and starts, particularly 2nd-year halfback Toby Cottrell who's made progress almost every time he's gotten the ball. Their secondary has more or less shut down our passing game, but turnovers and dodgy punts have conspired to give us a string of short-fields, and Marcel Shipp has been in the sort of mood that means at least three Iggles are needed to bring him down.

But if past experience has taught me anything, it's that no lead is big enough when you're the Arizona Cardinals.

Still, the half starts almost perfectly, with a 75-yard drive that chews up 5 minutes. Fullback James Hodgins goes in from two yards out but Andy Reid, eager to look like he's doing something, challenges the ruling. After careful deliberation, the ruling's overturned. So on the next snap Hodgins goes in from two inches out.

Nice one, Andy. Way to waste everybody's bloody time. And get a shave, you fat git.

A three-and-out gives us the ball once again, and the Eagles stack the line with a 4-6 formation, hoping to get enough bodies in the box to slow Marcel Shipp down. Jeff Blake's a wily old fox, though, and audibles out of the inside plunge and into a deep pass. The only safety who's back deep can't cover both Anquan Boldin and Bryant Johnson, and his dithering about which cornerback most needs his help allows Johnno to blow right past him. Jeff drops the pass into his receiver's hands and 63 yards later it's ARI 42-7 PHI

Even the most rabid, cock-eyed optimist would have to concede that if Philadelphia don't score on their next drive, you can put this one in the books. And it looks ominous as they drive falteringly but  determinedly downfield. But on a second and long McNabb gets happy feet in the pocket and, feeling he has to try and make something happen, forces a pass off his back foot that he really shouldn't have - there's no zip on the ball and so Jed Bowden has about a year and a half to break on it and make a nice interception at knee-level, the sophomore corner now having as many picks in this game as he managed all last year.

We run out the third quarter with unfussy, low-risk football, and although the Eagles add a couple of touchdowns very late on once we've made changes to protect our most fragile starters / give young guys a chance, this one's been pretty much done since the first drive of the second half, despite Brian Griese's best efforts as the spanner comes in and throws a pick on his very first play from scrimmage.

Anyway - bumbling, slapstick backup quarterback aside, we've laid down a marker. Watch out, league, the Cardinals are coming! Final score - ARI 42-21 PHI

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(c) daniel roe 2004